Laughs Aloud

I want to think Sesame Street is like that Elizabeth Berkley movie Showgirls. If Elmo gets pushed down a flight of stairs and breaks his ankle, then Grover gets the lead.

[Laughs.] 

Source: Vanity Fair

Is that a movie title?

[Laughs.]

Really? Your Aunt Mennon cut off a guy’s penis and sent it to his girlfriend in a pickle jar?

[Laughs.]

Sure, I don’t know how that works, but you’re the expert.

[Laughs.]

Source: Vanity Fair

You played Jerry’s girlfriend on an episode of Seinfeld. Did Jason Alexander try to rape you?

(Laughs.)

Source: Vanity Fair

Well, Franzen lost David Foster Wallace to suicide, and you lost Paris Hilton to, uh, craziness.

(Laughs.)

Source: Vanity Fair

When I lived in Los Angeles, my favorite strip mall was on Sunset and Ventura. There was a sign out front that just read “Kazakhstan.” I had no idea what they were selling. Every time I drove past, I wondered “Did Kazakhstan move into an abandoned Panda Express?”

(Laughs.)

Source: Vanity Fair

Just for old time’s sake, were you ever tempted to use Battlestar’s signature pseudo-curse, fracking, at some point during 24?

(Laughs.) 

Yeah. Instead of “fuck” just say “Oh, Dick Cheney!”

(Laughs.)

Are we talking generally, or specifically about Rush Limbaugh?

(Laughs.)

Do you ever take it out and play with yourself?

(Laughs.) 

How old were you?

21. (We both burst into laughter.)

Did you at least fact-check your tattoo? Some people get tattoos when they’re drunk and they find out later, “Aw crap, I got tramp-stamped with the Chinese symbol for whore.”

(Laughs.) 

You mean the actor who played Apollo in the original Battlestar Galactica, right? Not the guy from Survivor?

(Laughs.)

Isn’t that something Peter O’Toole warned you about?

(Laughs.)

Source: Vanity Fair

That still sounds like My Dinner With Andre.

(Laughs.) 

I have no idea what you’re saying. May I awkwardly change the subject?

(Laughs.)

Was it easier to have adult relations in a film when you… how can I phrase this delicately?… when you didn’t technically have a partner?

(Laughs.)

Of course, some readers are now probably thinking, “What the hell, did he fuck a hippo?”

(Laughs.) 

You’re the most famous non-participating celebrity ever to appear on The Family Guy.

(Laughs.) 

Obviously I didn’t think this through. Well, would you be willing to describe what you’re doing right now and I’ll just make some guesses?

(Laughs.)

Source: Vanity Fair

If you had $200 to gamble on the Tonys, would you put it on yourself or Butz?

[Laughs.] 

I was referring to your hometown of Hollywood, Florida.

[Laughs.] 

Source: Vanity Fair

Well, unless he has two pair and you’re holding a straight flush. You know what I’m saying?

[Laughs.] 

So in other words, the only way they’re getting you to leave The Soup is by prying it out of your cold, dead hands?

[Laughs.]

It’s not a mystery why gay men find you appealing. You’ve got excellent hygiene, you’re thin, you’ve got a great fashion sense, and from what I understand, you’re a bit of cock-tease.

[Laughs.] 

Wait, are you telling us that Lou is gay or that Lou’s owner is gay?

[Laughs.]

I’ve always been curious about what it’d be like to get into a fight with Mickey Rourke. There’s a dark part of me that wants to think when the punches start flying, Mickey is screaming “Not the face! Not the face!”

[Laughs.]

I believe the correct answer is “I ain’t no schoolboy but I know what I like.”

[Laughs.]

Source: Vanity Fair

Eric Spitznagel: I think we should probably start by talking about bukkake eggs.

Kevin Smith: (Laughs.)

I’m still not sure if I should thank you or hate you for introducing us to the Dutch Rudder.

(Laughs.)

I’m going to assume you’re talking about your wife.

(Laughs.) 

You’ve said that while watching the Twilight trailer with prepubescent girls, you could “feel the room get moist.” You have a 10-year-old daughter who’s an admitted Twilight fan. Are you in any way disturbed that maybe, just maybe, she might be one of those girls getting moist?

(Laughs.)

(Laughs.) I don’t think there’s a father on the planet who’d agree with that. “I just want my daughter to marry somebody who isn’t afraid to write romantic odes to her vagina.”

(Laughs.) 

Mitch Albom seems like a strange collaboration for you. I’m not sure if you noticed, but the title of his book wasn’t The Five People You Dutch-Rudder in Heaven.

(Laughs.)

Source: Vanity Fair